Monday blues...

It's been several days since I've gotten to talk to my girls.  It kills me but I'm not going to let my ex win.  Again, this is just his way of trying to manipulate me to do what he wants.  And I have to stop letting him win.  In a few months I will be back.  And I will have my babies.  No doubt about it.  And for all those who said I don't deserve them. Well they can kiss my ... Yeah.

I've been alone all morning.  Got some cleaning done, laundry, had some tea.  I try to make life as normal as possible.  When you spend 10 years taking care of little girls and go to taking care of basically no one, life is difficult.  I never have enough to do.  Even extra long showers, facials, and trimming my nails doesn't take up enough time in the day.  

I end up sitting here looking at pictures of my babies and listening to sad songs.  Wishing I was with them now, wishing they were here with me, that we were together.  Wishing it was me getting them up and ready for school, wishing it were me they come home to each afternoon.  Wishing I could make them supper and tuck them into bed each night.

To be honest, yeah, I'm scared.  I'm scared something is going to happen to them, I'm scared they're going to forget me, I'm scared they're going to start believing the lies everyone is telling them-and start believing I don't love them.  Truth is, I'm scared I might not ever get to talk to them again.  Life is short, and we never know when God is going to call us to him.  What if something happens to me here in Egypt, or to them there?  I don't know if those were my last words to them, and unfortunately they weren't what I would have said if they were my last words.

I would have told them how incredibly proud of them I am. How much I believe in them, how they can do anything they put their mind to and I will support them each and every step of the way.

 I would tell them how happy they have made my life.  How I learned about love from them.  They taught me about fears I didn't know I had, showed me how strong I could truly be.  I'd tell them how I think about them each and every day and pray for them all the time.  I'd tell them that no matter what they do, what mistakes they make, how much I will always love them.  And how I will never stop fighting for them. 

They say a parent shapes their children's lives, but I think it is our children who make us who we are.  And every day I pray that some day my babies and I can be a family again, some day before they are grown.  I will never stop fighting.  I will never give up.  I am their mommy and we are meant to be together.

Love yourself so you can fully love others

Why I hate Country Music

Spontaneous tears

So I didn't get to talk to Ariana and Aurora today, but talked to them before school yesterday. Hopefully I get to talk to Alyssa today since I missed talking to her yesterday because the power was out at our normal time to talk and she was at school by the time it came back on.

I'm so tired of people thinking I'm heartless about my kids being in America and me being in Egypt. If you think that about me, obviously you don't know me at all, and should just keep your nose out of it.

Anyone who knows me will understand how those girls are my life, always were and always will be. Why did I stay married for 10 years? Not for fun. LOL I didn't like getting beaten by a drunk all the time, treated like shit, and being broke. No, I tried to keep our family together for the girls.

When I sit here and cry just because my ex messages me and tells me Alyssa looks so cute curled up on the bed, and I close my eyes and imagine her snuggling me, her soft blonde hair, her cute innocent blue eyes... Its torture. Anyone who thinks I don't care or love them is just plain and simply... STUPID.

The Adventure of baking chocolate chip cookies in Egypt-Recipe Included

Introducing Wael to chocolate chip cookies from the grocery store the beginning of the month was asking for trouble.  LOL  First bite and he looks at me and asks, "Can you make these?"
Well of course I can.  I mean, they're so much better homemade than processed anyway.  Little did I know the challenge it would actually be.

The search for ingredients began.

First, baking soda... Which we could not find in Port Said or Port Fouad.  Maybe possible in Cairo but that's a 3+ hour drive.  With a little online searching, 1 tsp baking soda is equivalent to 4 tsp. baking powder.  Problem solved.





Next was the search for brown sugar.  No one even heard of this.  Wael's mother brought me some "brown" sugar.  These cute little sugar packets, about 20 of them, which might equal 1/4 cup if I'm lucky.

It was just... Sugar colored brown.  So the next step was then to find out how to substitute brown sugar.  Well thanks to the wonderful world of Google I learned that brown sugar is just regular white sugar with molasses.  Alhamdulillah! 1 cup white sugar with 1/4 cup molasses for dark brown sugar.  Ok. That will work.






Chocolate chips.  Really?  No chocolate chips.  Ok I was utterly thrown by this, but it wasn't really a problem.  We would have chocolate chunk cookies.  I would chop baking chocolate.

So... After all the ingredients were collected we started.

First problem.   Chopping chocolate with a steak knife.  Wael's mama does not believe in kitchen technology.  So I ended up using a standard, flimsy,  serrated steak knife to chop 1/2 kilo of 6cm thick baking chocolate.  It took about 15 minutes but I ended up with my 4 cups of chopped chocolate.





 Next issue... The only mixer was from the 1970s and had only one beater...  How am I going to cream the butter and sugars?  Wael, who has always been really great about helping me in the kitchen, decided to try the food processor.  I was willing to try anything and not willing to argue.  Did Not work-end of story.  Well, I just ended up hand mixing it until it creamed.  Fun.  LOL

Baking powder was 8 packets (we made a double batch of cookies).  Four packets of vanilla powder.  Added Eggs and flower.  And finally chopped chocolate.  Looked like cookie dough.  Tasted like cookie dough with a slight molasses taste...

Now for the final test.  Would they bake the same?  Taste the same or like molasses chocolate chunk cookies?

They turned out amazing.  Same great classic taste. Alhamdulillah!








Here is my recipe for Egyptian Chocolate Chunk Cookies

7 cups (coffee cups work well) or 3/4 kg all purpose flour
1/2 kg butter, softened
4 cups sugar
1/2 cup molasses
2 eggs
4 teaspoons of dried vanilla powder
8 teaspoons of baking soda
1/2 kg baking chocolate

1. Chop chocolate into small 1-2 cm chunks.  This will take some time.  I recommend a LARGE serrated knife. Please use safety measures to keep your fingers.  Preheat oven to 175°C (350°F).

2. Mix 2 cups sugar with 1/2 cup molasses.  This step is really not necessary but its fun, right?

3. Cream together butter and sugar (and molasses if you skipped step 2) until smooth.  Add eggs, baking powder, and vanilla.  Stir in flour slowly.  Finally stir in chocolate chunks. 

4. Drop by large spoonfuls onto metal serving trays or baking sheets.  Whatever you have available.

5. Bake for 10 minutes in preheated oven or until edges are golden brown.

8 things Americans should know about Muslims

With Islam growing so quickly in the Western world it is easy for Americans to be confused as to what Islam is really all about.  While some believe only what the media tells them others have no idea.  Well, let us start to demystify Islam a little.  These are the 8 most important things an American should know about Islam before judging it.

1. Muslims and Arabs... They are not the same thing.
A Muslim is someone who practices and believes in the religion of Islam. An Arab, on the other hand, is a geographic/ethnic/linguistic term. An Arab is a person who speak the Arabic language, resides in the middle east, or is of middle eastern ancestry. It is true that Islam originated among the Arabs, and the Qur'an was written in Arabic. But, some Arabs have historically been part of the ancient orthodox Christian churches, and have been Jewish. On the other hand, Islam spread far beyond the Arab world, and today many Muslims are not Arabs. This includes the Turks, the Kurds, the Iranians, the Pakistanis, Northern Indians, other South Asian Muslims, the Malaysians and the Indonesians, almost all of whom are Muslim but none of whom is Arab.

2. The word "Islam" means surrender.
A Muslim is someone who submits to God.  In Arabic, the word "Islam" means submission or surrender – however, it was derived from the root word “salam”. From this root word, you can also derive the words peace and safety. The Islamic conception of who God is , and how he is to be worshiped and served, is based on the teaching of the Prophet Muhammad (sallallahu alayhi wa salaam).  The Islamic shahada-or profession of faith is,"أشهد أن لا إله إلاَّ الله و أشهد أن محمد رسول الله " or for those who can't read Arabic  "Ashadu an la ilaha illa illa-ilah, wa ashadu anna muhammadan rasul ullah".  This translates to, "I bear witness that (or I testify that) there is no god but God, and Muhammad is the messenger of God."

3. There are two major secs of Muslims.
The two major secs of Muslims are Sunni and Shi'a. Sunnis are the vast majority, at 85 percent of all Muslims. The split occurred in the first generation after the death of Muhammadh (sallallahu alayhi wa salaam) and was based on a dispute over who should succeed him as leader of the Islamic community.

4. Islam teaches that Jesus was a great prophet.
Islam affirms that Jesus (Îsâ) was born of a virgin, that he lived a sinless life, that he performed mighty miracles, and that he will come again at Judgement Day.  However, he is not believed to be the son of God or God himself. He also did not die on the cross, Jesus' visage was imposed on someone else, who was then crucified, and that Jesus was taken up into heaven without tasting death.

5. Islamic practice can be summarized by the Five Pillars of Islam.
These are composed of: Shahada ("...there is no god but God, and Muhammad is the messenger of God.").

Prayer (the ritual prayers said five times a day while facing Mecca) is called Salat.  There is no hierarchy in Islam, no priest.    

Zakat  literally means both purification and growth. One of the most important principals in Islam is that all things belong to God.  Possessions are purified by setting aside contributions for those in need.    

Fasting during the month of Ramadan.  Healthy, adult, non-pregnant Muslims completely fast (no food, drink, or sexual relations) from sunrise until sunset for an entire lunar month.  This allows a person to gain sympathy for those who struggle with starvation.

 And Hajj or Pilgrimage. Every Muslim who is physically and financially capable is required to make at least one pilgrimage to Mecca during his lifetime during the 12th lunar  Islamic month.

7. The vast majority of Muslims are not terrorists.
In fact, Islamic religious law forbids the intentional killing of non-combatants in battle. It also forbids suicide. It's a small minority view that allows these things, and it's a small minority who engage in terrorist activities.  With 8 million Muslims world wide... If everyone thought like terrorists... The world would be over by now wouldn't it?
 
8. Muslims can be some of the friendliest, most hospitable people on earth.
They make great neighbors and great friends. No American should be afraid to build a friendship or acquaintance with a Muslim.

A letter to those who support my ex-husband...

To those who support my ex-husband...

I'd like to start out by saying... You are so freakin' gullible. He is a world class manipulator and he has successfully manipulated each and every one of you.

When people support the abuser they are only allowing it to continue. Each and every one of you have said you are against woman beaters, what happened to your morals? Each and every one of you said you were against keeping kids from their parents and several of you said you were against child support. What happened to your morals?

Yes, I made some mistakes too, but understand when I left my children with him it wasn't for fun. You all know me well enough to know that those girls have always been my world. But when the abuse gets bad enough everyone is miserable, something has to be done. I tried to make it work for 10 years-alone.

When I left my girls with him it was for stability. When I left I had no job, was going to school full time, and wasn't sure where I was going to live. Taking them with me, or taking the house and kicking him out, would have been foolish. At least with him they would have some stability, been able to stay in the same school (or so I had hoped), have their home, friends, and not have to worry about where they were going to live.

At first I did try to help him with the girls, watching them while he was at work, coming over to clean the house, do the laundry... I did this from March until October. He was obsessive. He'd come home drunk and things wouldn't turn out well. He'd threaten my safety, gave me a black eye in July, stalked me at my friends' homes where I was staying late at night. Making a scene everywhere I went.

I couldn't get a job because if I did I couldn't watch the girls for him. There was no where I could work at night at that time. My car was not in good enough condition to really go anywhere outside of Clintonville for work and most of you all know that.

He wasn't making it easy on the girls either.

Every day in front of them he was telling Aurora how he wanted to get rid of her. How she was nothing but a bitch. How if I didn't come take them he'd take them all to CPS. This was just another great manipulation. Because he knew I didn't have a place to go, a place to take them to. So if I wanted them to stay out of CPS I'd have to come home to him. Now he's changed his tune.

See the kids aren't what he cares about. They're just bait. A way, at first to get me back, now a way to hurt me and control me still. It's always been about control with him.

I left the State because I knew that no matter where I went he'd come find me. He said this many times. He was not going to let me go. It was hurting everyone. Why can't you see past his lies. If you heard this story on TV... I know you'd never side with him, but you've left him manipulate you so greatly. He has control over you. You're feeding the monster. He doesn't love any of you. He's using you all.

For his family...

The only reason he ever went to see any of you in 10 years was because of ME. He hated you all. Wanted nothing to do with family, but I cherish family, and when I lost mine at a young age I knew how hard it was as a child. And I knew if something happened to any of you he'd regret it later.

His sister Sandy... He's never said a good word about her. Even now as he lives under her roof, and she cares for our girls... He still complains about her being such a drunk, getting drunk while watching the girls, and when he comes home bitching at him for being such a bad parent and threatening to kick him out. She was always a bitch to him. He'd bitch about her talking bad about his weight when she used to be fat herself and how she should keep her mouth shut since she only lost the weight with surgery.

He always said his nieces were always stuck up bitches. Stephanie was too good for everyone and Stacy was always a bitch, he complained about them talking about him behind his back to his mom and Grandma-God rest her soul, all the time.

He hated you all. Now that he has no one... Its real easy to pretend it was my fault to use you as baby sitters and support for his neurotic behaviour. Poor Christopher...

As for my family...

Well I knew you'd all be traitors anyway. You talk bad about one another behind each other's back constantly. Why not support the bad guy. He said Mindy was always a bitch and he'd try to talk Jake into leaving her ever other day.He said she was a pig, a slob, and couldn't take care of her kids. But that was what everyone knew. When even her own mother in law said it how couldn't he? He's always been such a follower. I mean look- if he wasn't a follower- how is a racist redneck dating a black chick? You notice how he acts different around certain people?  We all know how racist Fatty is.  Act like that has changed. LOL

Oh, and Kathy... If you only knew how bad he is using you. You know the only reason he is talking to you is so that he has someone on my side of the family he can use against me. But do you know how many times hes called you a bi polar gossiping bitch? When we'd talk for hours he'd bitch at me for egging you on. Tell me I was just as bad as you and pretty soon I'd be backstabbing the entire family like you do.   You might think because he used to talk to you all the time... How often did he call you just to talk after we got together until we separated?  When he'd come over to talk, back in the day, didn't you always feed him, and it was much closer than walking all the way back to Nancy's wasn't it?  He was using you then, he's using you now. 

And, actually, I'm quite surprised with you the most. You were always the one who was against child support, keeping kids from their family- isn't that what happened to Jake, Josh, us when we were kids. I remember how you used to shit talk my mom for doing what you said is exactly what Fatty is doing now, how wrong it was. No kids should be kept from their parents and family. And with what Jeff did to you, how bad he abused you and how bad you were against woman beaters and emotional abuse it seems like you've been manipulated the most. What happened to YOUR morals?

Yes, I made some mistakes, but they were not because I wanted to hurt my kids.  You all know me much better than that.  You all know my life was those girls and that's the only reason I stuck through with Fatty as long as I did. I was trying to make life better for them. 

 Yes I left, yes I was engaged while still legally married-but its not like I tried to hide my intentions from him-he knew since Christmas 2012 I wanted a divorce. He just wouldn't accept it. I even slept on the couch until I left the first week of April. Yes I fled the state and now I'm in Egypt. Yes I'm Muslim-but my religion has only made me a better person. I'm no radical. I still believe in Jesus, his virgin mother Maryam, Moses, Abrahem, Ect... I pray and try to do my best. We all make mistakes but some of us have just come to see that letting him have control not good. He's self destructing. He needs psychological help. His drinking is out of control and you all encourage him with the poor Fatty shit. When he drinks himself do death, kills someone, or lands himself in prison who's fault will it be? Make him grow up. Quit enabling him. And remember your morals. There are two sides of a story people. And you're only listening to one.

Are Muslim Women Oppressed? Part 2-Modest Clothing

People often fail to distinguish between culture and religion, two completely different things.  They are focusing so hard on how Muslim women are oppressed, specifically because of how women in Afghanistan are treated. When the media shows how Muslim women in Afghanistan are treated people automatically connect three words in their minds; 'Islam,' 'Women,' and 'Oppression'. 

Often enough Westerners and more specifically Americans believe that the oppression of Muslim women goes beyond hijab and that her modest dress is believed to be a sign of oppression.

When people see a covered Muslim women the think oppression, and they are actually wrong.  A Muslim woman is not oppressed, but she is liberated.  She no longer is valued for something as material like her looks or the shape of her body.  By covering these things she is makes it necessary for others to judge her according to her intelligence, honesty, kindness, and personality-judging her for who she is not what she looks like.

Lets us discuss the idea of what makes a style of dress oppressive.  Oppression is restriction.  Restriction can refer to movement, mentality, and for work.

So restriction of movement when it comes to clothing.  Have you ever worn a mini-skirt?  Tight tank top,  skinny jeans?  These are NOT comfortable.  Why should you sacrifice comfort for beauty?  Now try wearing an abaya, a loose fitting dress worn by many Muslim women.  The loose fit allows for air flow during hot days, layers during cold days, along with ease of movement. 

Second we will look at mental oppression.  When we thing of how clothing oppresses us mentally, we can look at how clothing makes us feel.  Maybe it is the difference of opinion but I do not feel good having people stare at me.  I feel like an object.  I am much more than boobs and an ass, much more than my hair style and the shape of my body. 

In high school so many kids are scrutinized because of clothing.  It defines which 'groups' they belong to.  Like what you wear defines you as a person.  Didn't you ever notice that the girls who dressed least modestly were the most popular girls while the girls with the most intelligence and often times the best ideas, most originality, and personable were the geeks. 
It's just how Western society works. 

So, if we want to talk about liberating women mentally, wouldn't it be smart to remove the barriers?  Very few women are going to look like the supermodels in magazines, which effects their self-esteem.  If you have low self esteem you are less likely to reach your full potential.  Sounds a lot like clothing can be very oppressive.

But if I forget about what society wants and submit myself to God, dressing in a way that reflects my respect for him, and myself...  You can feel good.  You can feel freedom.  Freedom from the social oppression.  Freedom from the unwanted gazes of immature men who can not control their sexual obsession. 

And finally, when we think about clothing restrictions and work...  I'm sorry, I do not want to be hired because I have a nice body.  Again, objectified by men.  Where is your freedom?  Furthermore, having to have multiple wardrobes, because obviously you can't wear that tube top and mini skirt to the office, or most jobs for a matter of fact-can be downright expensive.  I can wear my abaya anywhere.  To any job.  I can work anywhere in a dress or skirt.  In pants and a modest top.

Society tells us we are oppressed by the way we dress, but maybe they are just to blinded by their own oppression to free themselves from the grip society has on them.  Get a clue! 

Are Muslim Women Oppressed? Part 1- Hijab

I am writing this in hopes it will reach just one person.  I know that most of the time, no matter what I say, I will never be able to convince the world that Muslim women are not oppressed by Islam.  The moment someone sees my hijab (head-scarf) they automatically think I am oppressed. "What woman would put religion before material pursuits?" "Only an oppressed woman would be forced to cover herself." 

But sadly enough, I know this isn't the thought for all religions. Western society readily accepts head-coverings in many different religions.  In Christianity, when a nun covers herself and devotes herself to God she is respected.  No one questions this as her choice.  She has the right to be a nun and no once considers her oppressed.  

Actually, in Christianity, the sight of a veiled woman is no unfamiliar sight.  For Catholics; images, statues, and depictions of the Virgin Mary (known as Maryam in Islam) show her wearing hijab.  Can you honestly say you have ever seen a picture of her without hijab? Do they believe she was oppressed wearing hijab? 

What does Christianity exactly say regarding women wearing veils/head-coverings?  

 

“In obedience to Sacred Scripture, many Catholic women wear some kind of veil or head-covering. Some wear a head-covering only at Mass. Others feel called to wear a head-covering at other times during the day, as well as at Mass. Many non-Catholic Christian women also wear a head-covering.

These women are following the call of the Holy Spirit. Society discourages women from wearing a head-covering and from doing anything else which shows submissiveness and obedience. Yet these women have found the light of truth in the midst of dark times.

The moral law requires all women to wear the veil on their hearts. A woman should not wear the veil on her head, until she is wearing it first on her heart. A woman who wears the veil on her heart accepts the place that God gives to women in the Church, the family, and society. Women who wear the veil on their hearts are imitating the Virgin Mary in her humility, submissiveness, and obedience to Christ. The veil should cover her head, but not her face. It is first and foremost symbolic of humility, submissiveness and obedience.” (Conte Jr. 2011)

Modern Day Catholic women wearing mantilla at Mass.

I Corinthians 11:5-6

     " But every woman who prays or prophesies with her head uncovered dishonors her head; it is the same as having her head shaved.  For if a woman does not cover her head, she might as well have her hair cut off; but if it is a disgrace for a woman to have her hair cut off or her head shaved, then she should cover her head."

Up until the American revolt against religion in the 1980's Christian head-coverings were very common among Catholics, Protestants, and several other Christian groups.

In Judaism, many women believe in wearing veils.  There are many reasons Jewish women cover their hair.  Jewish women cover their hair for the same reasons as Muslim women-modesty (or tzniut). According to the Torah, the priest uncovers or unbraids the accused woman's hair as part of the humiliation that precedes the ceremony (Numbers 5:18).

Jewish Veil

Elsewhere in the Talmud (Berakhot 24a), the rabbis define hair as sexually erotic (ervah), and prohibit men from praying in sight of a woman's hair. The rabbis base this estimation on a biblical verse: "Your hair is like a flock of goats" (Song of Songs 4:1), suggesting that this praise reflects the sensual nature of hair.  Thus it is believed that the hair should be covered and saved especially for the husbands.

Around the world women today still practice wearing veils, or head-coverings for religious reasons.  Why is it that only the Muslim women are considered to be oppressed?  How is it that Western society feels that we have no choice in the matter.  God has commanded us to modesty just as other religions feel they have been commanded to do so. 

Here in Egypt there are many women wearing different levels of hijab, and many women who chose not to.  This is ultimately their choice.  This choice is between them and God.  No one is going to force them to wear it if they chose not to.  It is a woman's devotion to God that brings her toward wearing hijab. 

If we are to speak about women's rights.  Western feminists will argue that by covering your body you are submitting to the orders of men and we should be proud of our body.  They believe that Islam is suppressing our sexuality.

This is simply not true.  It is just channeling our sexuality through appropriate paths.  Family, marriage, stability.  This secures a woman's mental and physical health.  It build a bond between husband and wife, a bond that hasn't been shared by millions of men across a country. 

Western women, including said feminists, are still objectified by the primal sexual needs of men.  By uncovering themselves they are making themselves an object of man's sexual desire, not a woman of character with a brain and emotions. 

Women in Islam are regarded to be more precious than and gold, metal, or gem.  Their beauty is protected.  And they themselves protect their beauty from the outside world. 

Understand that wearing a veil is a choice, whether you're Christian, Jewish, or Muslim.  Every day when I dress to walk outside I chose to cover my beauty for God.  And, more importantly, when you choose to dress in your own miniskirt and low cut top realize how you are going to feel as you age, when your beauty is not what it used to be.  When gravity takes hold of your skin and places you once showed off to the world.  How will you feel dressed in these clothes?  How will your society look at you?  And how is God looking at you as you put worldly desires before him. You will struggle to look younger, struggle with self esteem, and struggle for male attention-now who is oppressed?