Weight loss Demystified.

I have struggled with weight loss for the past 16 years.  I had tried every diet imaginable and then some.  Before becoming pregnant with Ariana I was wearing a size 10 jeans.  For my  bone size and muscle mass this isn't bad at all.  Actually I was quite satisfied with that.  

Upon arriving to Egypt three months ago I was wearing a size 18.  I thought I ate healthy.  Salads, juice, water...  Yes cookies, coffee, soda, candy and fast food... But I didn't think it was that often.

I am currently a  juniors size 12.  Yes.  12.  In three months I have dropped 6 pants sized.

Since being in Egypt I have had fast food twice.  Once we had KFC and once we had Pizza Hut in Cairo. 

I rarely eat junk food.  Soda maybe three times a week.  Half a candy bar maybe, maybe every other day.  No candies.  Limited ice cream.  Chips maybe once a week.  And that isn't a full family sized bag.  No half a small personal sized bag.

I don't really exercise.  With my herniated disk that isn't really all that possible.  I walk about 6 km a week total. 

No here's my secret.  No processed food.  No junk.  Everything, including the meat, is fresh.  Not even frozen.

That means no MSG, no preservatives, no added sweeteners, no added salt. 

Every morning I eat one circle loaf of flat bread.  This is with fool (stewed beans), eggs, cheese, and tomato.  Lunch is our big meal here-eaten between 2 and 4PM.  Which actually makes a lot of sense.  Eat your larger meal while you still have time to burn off the calories.  Supper is more like a snack and is eaten at like 10 PM-Midnight. 

I eat a lot of rice.  A lot of bread.  Lots of beans.  Lots of meat.  Lots of vegetables. Difference being... Never once have I eaten a meal made from a box or frozen.  Never once have I eaten a processed meal (with the exception of the two fast food meals).  I drink 4 liters of water a day.  Two cups of tea.  One Turkish coffee. 

Isn't really hard.  And tastes a lot better.  :)

Mess of Emotions...

Anger.  Frustration.  Determination.  Emptiness.  Resentment.  Overwhelmed.  Tormented.  Vengeful.  

A mess of angry emotions flood my mind.  Every afternoon, as it is morning where my beautiful girls are waking up and starting their day.  Starting their day without me.

Nine years of motherhood all for what?!  All my life is.  Meaning of my life.  Every struggle.  Every ounce of pain.  It was all worth it.  It was for my babies. Ten years of an abusive marriage.  Trying to hold a failing family together.  Keeping everyone smiling when I fell asleep every night crying. 

Now without them I feel lost.  I have no one to care for.  No one to occupy my mind, my time.  I feel like this is all I know.  I'm lost.  I want to be happy but without them I can't truly live my life.

Never will I stop fighting.  They will be back where they belong, where they are safe and loved.  Inshallah.  But I will never stop regretting leaving them with my ex-husband.  No matter how good of an idea it was at the time.  No matter how hard it would have been if I would have kept them with no steady job,  full-time college, no house...  No matter how it was for their best interest...  I can't seem to justify it anymore. 

No matter how often I talk to them its never enough.  We're separated by 6,000 miles and my biggest fear is that something will happen while I'm here.  While I have no way to them.  While I may not get to say goodbye.

I have to trust God.  If we are meant to get the girls, its his will.  No amount of money, no lawyers,  no amount of convincing will change the outcome.  I can't stop fighting.  I can't give up.  But... Its that time.

3:28 PM here in Egypt.  7:28 AM in Wisconsin.  The two oldest will be on their way to school.  It's my time to talk to them for 5 minutes today. 

Fitting.

Some things get to me.  This song.  One of those songs I listen to over and over again for hours.